October 2011
22 posts
My imagined interview with Justin Bieber
Me: Hi, Justin…Bee-I-Ber, is it?
JB: Bee-ber.
Me: Bee-i-ber. Right.
JB: Whatevs.
Me: So. You’re a singer.
JB: Well, I really prefer the term “artist.”
Me: Oh, you paint, too? I like paint-by-numbers.
JB: Nah, I mean, just, like “artist,” ‘cause it’s just a bit more extensive of a term?
Me: Are you old enough to know what the word extensive...
it's not really "stealing"
Me: I'm not sure I'll have time to go to get wine before you get here.
Friend: That's okay, there's a bunch of wine at work I can take.
Me: Nice. Steal from the rich to give to the alcoholics.
Friend: Exactly. I'm like Wino Hood.
ambition lost
Me: So we had this big time producer come talk in my screenwriting class last night. She was all, "YOU HAVE TO BE IN THIS TO WIN THIS. TREAT WRITING LIKE AN OLYMPIC SPORT. NETWORK EVERY OPPORTUNITY YOU GET."
Friend: So was everyone trying to network with the producer after class?
Me: There were two eager beaver types who went after her, yeah. That used to be me. I just sat there and ate a banana instead.
Started reading The Hunger Games at about 8 last night. Maybe woke up at 5:30 a.m. to keep reading. Maybe made vegan cornbread at 5:45 for sustenance. Maybe finished The Hunger Games at 9:30 a.m. Maybe went to the Galleria at 10 a.m. to purchase books two and three. Maybe gonna start reading them now. This series may be the best thing to happen to me in years. I’m already freaking out about...
You know when...
You’re in a bathroom at a bar or restaurant and someone tries to open the door? I’ve always struggled with etiquette in that situation. Here are some options for what you can say:
“Someone’s in here!” But that sort of seems to imply that you’re speaking for someone else. Or that you don’t actually know yourself. “Someone” is in the bathroom,...
There have been times during my various work experiences when I’ve taken a step back and looked at a sentence I’ve written that may have included any combination of the words/phrases “jobs,” “man jewelry,” “vajazzling,” “armpit,” “position,” “or jeggings,” and thought, Wow, my job is definitely interesting....
Hey, I have this really awesome idea for a TV show. Want to hear it? Good. It’s called “Doppelgangers.” You get two people who look crazy-similar, get them to switch places, and see how long it takes for people to notice their friend Hank isn’t actually Hank. Then the contestants get prizes for keeping the ruse up as long as possible. Bonus points for strategy: Your...
