June 2012
0 posts
I once knew a guy named Basil
One summer when I was 14, my parents and I were staying at my great aunt Françoise’s beach house in Woodshole on Cape Cod. There was a WASPy family who had the house next door, which wasn’t quite a mansion but was very large and had a wraparound balcony overlooking the ocean. They also had a son named Basil who was 16 and had blonde hair. One night they had us all over to dinner and...
May 2012
4 posts
April 2012
4 posts
1 tag
The 4 Worst Best Pieces of Advice
In the times that I am most desperate for advice, I look to sites like Net-A-Porter to tell me that Lanvin is always the right thing to do, or I ask Ben & Jerry the hard questions. I sometimes have to wonder about those inspirational sayings you’ve seen a million times on posters of beaches, on the sides of Tampax boxes, or on those affirmation-a-day calendars that you totally...
2 tags
Conversations with Urban Outfitters' Newsletters
Urban: Leo, OMG SALE!
Me: Sale?! Smiley face emoticon.
Urban: Graphic Tees FTW?
Me: Yeah, maybe. I dunno. I just bought a bunch. Want to grab drinks later?
Urban: Hanging with D.J. T^nd@N, Staten Island Tween Vinyl Whiz
Me: Oh.
Urban: Can’t Hardly Wait! Surfdaze Bikeshop Style Magic
Me: Wait, what? So I can hang with you guys tonight? Where are you going?
Urban: Artisanal Vintage Revival Mustache Men in New Zealand.
Me: Oh…I think I’ve heard of that band. Kind of stupid question, but what are you going to wear? Is it, like, hipster-casual?
Urban: So Many Shoes!
Me: Shoes? I love shoes. Where?
Urban: ROYGBIV
Me: Losing you…
Urban:
Me: Yeah, I like you, too, just still unclear on —
Urban: LFTR | DRM | BTY | HPSTR
Me: WTF?
Urban: #awesome
Me: Thanks
Urban: #Coachella
Me: C@@L.
Urban: No.
On trying to help me find an OK Cupid match...
Sister: You'll be looking at one of these profiles, and be like, "Hey, not bad," and then — boom. He likes Ayn Rand or something.
Me: Or "I like to stay up late."
Sister: Yeah. Or his screename is something like EATSPOOPREGULARLY.
March 2012
2 posts
February 2012
3 posts
VINTAGE SMITH COLLEGE: Anne Spurzem: You Have Been... →
vintagesmith:
Here at Vintage Smith, I try to keep an even temper. However, I’m not past putting anyone on notice. This week, that person is Anne Spurzem, the President of the Smith Club of Westchester County, who wrote a letter to The Sophian that can only be described as hateful, confused, bigoted and just…
I have just written Ms. Spurzem a letter and contributed a donation to Smith...
January 2012
11 posts
2 tags
I Was Voted “Most Likely To __________” In High...
Latest post on TheFrisky.com:
Leo Epstein: “Most likely to become a billionaire recluse a la Willy Wonka.” This is what I was voted in my high school yearbook. Although, now that I think about it, to be “voted” this title seems highly unlikely, and my guess is that the 2003 yearbook editor took some very generous editorial liberties in these pages.
I had forgotten all about this until I was...
1 tag
w4m missed connection: “Last night at 2am wandered into circus of books up late on ambien, you said I had good jeans. I don’t remember what I said, I think you kissed me. I woke up with a braid in my hair. You might have the answer I’m looking for.”
1 tag
w4m missed connection: “12pm today. Guy with a nice beard, driving like a shithead.”
chat with apple store guy
Me: I'm looking for a case for my iPad.
Apple store guy: The iPad 2?
Me: No. iPad 1.
Apple store guy: I don't actually think we have any left...
Me: Not even one?!
Apple store guy: Yeah, I'm sorry.
Me: Ugh, I really need one. I've been walking around with my thingy in a sock.
(awkward pause)
Me: That came out wrong.
3 tags
Reasons Why We Shouldn't Date
You’re smarter than me. You’ll talk about things like the “transavantgarde movement” and you seem to know exactly how the election will play out. I’ll nod and whenever you ask a question I don’t know the answer to, counter it with an off-topic comment or say, “interesting theory,” and squint my eyes in fake thought. Which, by the way, is a tactic I...
me: we should go on a hike tomorrow.
sister: yes, but hiking is just so...outside.
me: perhaps we should invent indoor hiking.
sister: ok, well, maybe i'd go. if i could find a really good visor.
Missed Connections: Beetlejuice - w4m (Universal... →
To the guy dressed up like Beetlejuice at Universal Studios. I’ve always wanted to get a picture with you but never had the guts to come up to you. I guess I’ve had a secret crush on you for a long time…You put your arm around me and held me close. I haven’t been held like that by a man in a very long time…Then you spit all over my son’s BFF. ;-‘) It was...
this was my dream last night
In my dream, there’s this fancy new restaurant in Silver Lake and I’m walking by and decide to check it out. I take a table because I’ve just texted someone who might join me for food. The waiter comes and asks if I’d like some wine and I say yes, can you recommend some. He says the Barolo is very good. I say that sounds lovely and he brings me a glass.
My friend has...
December 2011
7 posts
A Jewish Girl's Letter to Santa
From: leo@emailaddress.com To: santa76@santaworld.net
Dear Santa,
Chag Sameach! That’s kind of how we Jewish people say “What’s up?” during the holidays. So…you’re probs wondering what’s with the Hebrew talk and why is someone with the last name Epstein emailing me? But I figure you’re an equal opportunity kind of guy, so hear me out.
I called my mom...
Cleanses
Friend 1: I'm doing a cleanse this week. I ordered from BluePrint while completely drunk. Woke up to find I had spent $300 on juice. Fuck my life.
Friend 2: I'm cleansing, too. I'm going to try really hard not to drink this week. Which means I can have wine.
November 2011
19 posts
Bummer Baskets →
abangupjob:
made in Brooklyn, of course
(via racked/izzy)
Useful back-pocket knowledge from working at Cosmo
Last night in screenwriting class with HBO executive guest speaker...
HBO Exec: What I'd recommend to you guys is to come up with a really good original sample and maybe a few "sit 'n spins," which are really just stream-of-consciousness types of writing, almost like short stories.
Me: Hi. I have a question about the "sit 'n spin"....um, which, coincidentally, is a real Cosmo sex position. Nevermind why I know this...
Awkward Conversation with a Will Ferrell Lookalike...
Stranger: Hello.
Me: Oh. Um. Hi.
Stranger: How are you?
Me: Good...and yourself?
Stranger: Good.
[Long pause.]
Stranger: So. Laundry.
Me: Yup.
Stranger: I used to do my laundry at the other place near the Red Lion.
Me: Oh yeah? Why'd you switch?
Stranger: Better people watching here.
Me: Hmm I can't really comment, um, I guess I mean, I just come here and read and stuff.
Stranger: Have you tried out any of the other laundromats around here?
Me: No. I mean. I like this one. It's convenient for me. They have that handy change machine. I guess I haven't been in a lot of laundromats in my life so I don't know if this one is really any good or not.
Stranger: You live around here?
Me: Yes.
[Pause]
Stranger: Sorry, this conversation sucks.
Me: Um.
Screenwriting With Leo - Lesson 1, Part 2: Lists
In case you missed my first installment of Screenwriting with Leo, you can find it here. (Watch out, Robert McKee!) Basically, my (far superior) theory on how to write a movie involves an index card method, which guarantees that anyone can write a script. To get started, you want to just think of “things” (if you don’t get this highly scientific cinematic term, then maybe you...
3 tags
Screenwriting With Leo - Lesson 1: Lists
So, I’m taking this screenwriting class because I am totally going to be the next Quentin Tarantino or whatever. We haven’t technically written anything yet, so I might be jumping the gun, but I’m now totally cool with introducing myself as Leonora Epstein, Screenwriter. Because I sort of noticed that in Hollywood, people pull these impressive titles out from the douchebragger...