leo

My late-twentysomething life.

Have you seen this post on the lovely BuzzFeed about life in your early 20s vs. life in your late 20s? It’s got like a gagillion views? Because it’s ALL TRUE? It is sadly (but hilariously) so. It made me think about how my late twentysomething life is different from my early twentysomething life. It’s basically this, in a nutshell:

1. Getting pissed when people want to meet up at any time after 9 p.m.

2. Agonizing between whole wheat and regular pasta. Really, is whole wheat that much better for you?

3. Instagramming other peoples’ adorable pets.

4. Instagramming things such as that make me seem like I have a far more active life than I actually do. For example, sunsets (to give the illusion that I actually spend time out of doors), shoes (to make it seem like I bought new ones even though they are in fact old or borrowed from my sister) or pictures of myself in a mirror perfectly angled to make myself appear as skinny as possible. 

5. Wine, if not alone, then with the only other person I ever hang out with. She’s the best. And we have a lot of things in common. Like we like real estate porn and wine.

6. Dismissing everyone on OkCupid ESPECIALLY the moment someone mentions how great Burning Man is and how they can’t wait to go again. Seriously.

7. Suspending my OkCupid account after becoming overwhelmed by Burning Man boys.

8. Re-instating my OkCupid account two weeks later after fearing that I may never sleep next to anyone ever again.

9. Freaking out when I realize I prefer sleeping next to my laptop. OMG am I in a relationship with OkCupid? I am. Oh, God. 

10. Making sure to check the MLS (real estate site) each day JUST IN CASE the bank makes a mistake and puts a couple hundred thousand in my account so I can buy my dream house right away.

11. Re-watching old “Game of Thrones” episodes. The ones with sex in them.

12. Taking pleasure in extremely stupid things like Peony flowers.

13. Realizing that the weird thing is that I really like my life like this — at least I reallllly prefer it to my early 20s when I was a fucking psycho.

14. Thinking about updating my Tumblr. Writing something. Thinking it is genius. Then deleting it. And putting up a ’90s LipSmacker ad instead.

15. This post will probably be deleted within a few hours. So enjoy/cringe while you can.

16. OK bye I just got a weird OkCupid message.

Scene from family dinner

4-year-old Clementine emits an exorcist-like scream…
Clementine: A spider!!
Dad: I don’t see a spider. Oh look it was just a piece of carrot falling and you felt it.
Clementine: I thought it was a baby orange spider.
Uncle Carty: Well that was a very strong reaction!
2-year-old Virginia: Strong reaction!!!

And now I get it.

When I was a teenager, I used to beg my mother to take me to Urban Outfitters to shop for clothes and occasionally, she’d indulge me. The issue, however, was that as soon as any house or techno music came on, she couldn’t stand it, and we’d have to leave. So each time, I’d find myself praying, Please, please, please don’t play any Chemical Brothers, I beg you, I really, really want this embroidered halter top.

Today, while shopping in H&M, I first experienced a trance-style remix of “Carol of the Bells” that lasted for what seemed like an eternity but was somewhere around 10 minutes. It was quite possibly the worst thing ever. And after that, a remix of that Lily Allen song, “5 O’Clock in the Morning” by some guy named T-Pain, featuring new lyrics which basically describe a dude in a club dancing up on the ladies and kind of ignoring the texts from his girlfriend until he decides to finally go home at 4:30 in the morning and then makes her wake up to, you know. So, to anyone browsing the striped sweater section this afternoon at the H&M at the Americana in Glendale who heard a lady going “Pfft,” “Oh my God!” or “Good lord!”, that was me. Hi.